Ol? Ugly ?s Just Funnin?      

A Talegate talk here fer a minute!!

This last weekend I did a fundraiser show in Trochu , Alberta with Richard Popovich. I done my Ol? Ugly?s Comedy Show and Richard done his Cowboy Show. Well our two shows fit together perfect. We never ran over each others style but compliment each other to a T. And we had a lot of people laughing and having fun, too. I love working with entertainers as professional as Richard cause they teach me so much. Thank you St Mary?s Hospital for having me along.

Yes, the Ol? Ugly?s Comedy Show is about making people forget their troubles for just a few minutes. That is why my country storytelling comedy has me travelling all over the country and writin? this little paper. If I can make you feel good then we done what we set out to do. And you folks feel free to pass these tales about me and my relatives on to your friends and associates. That goes for you, too, Mr or Ms Executive. You know as well as anyone else that a laugh can help fight this stressful world. If ya think they might cheer somebody else up, or relieve some stress then send it too ?em, but enough of my blather lets get on with ?er.

Stealing Gas

By Ol? Ugly

Sometimes my brother, Blue, does things and I ain?t sure whether he does it cause he?s smart or cause he ain?t. Anyway this is what Blue done:

Ya see there was this trusted man in our community. Everybody spoke highly of him, but what they never knew was that he was stealing gas from his neighbours. He knew when his neighbours was away and then he?d go over to their field tanks and fill up his jerry cans with their gas . . . He was stealing from his friends out of pure greed . . .

My brother, Blue, saw him stealing the gas one time, but Blue owed the man money. And the man knew Blue saw him stealing the gas, He called Blue over to his farm.

He says to Blue, ?I want you to keep your mouth shut about what you saw me doing.? Then he pointed to eight full ten gallon gasoline cans, ?and I want you to bury this gasoline behind my barn so nobody will know I got it. If you do that, I?ll forgive you the money you owe me. I?ll give you a receipt for the debt with ?paid in full? on it as soon as you?re finished.?

Blue says, ?Okay!?

An hour later, Blue comes back in and he says, ?I buried the gasoline. Give me the receipt.?

The feller said, ?Can I trust you to keep this quiet??

Blue says, ?Just as much as I can trust you.? So the feller gave Blue a receipt all filled out properly with ?Paid in Full? and signed.

Blue put the receipt in his pocket and as he was walking out the door he turned to the man and said, ?What do you want me to do with them empty gasoline cans??    

----0----

Aunt Tilley the Socialite

By Ol? Ugly

Dear Tilley, my eighty- six year old aunt always wants to be the center of attention. My brother, Blue, takes great pleasure in shooting her down, but she gets her own back every once in a while though.

One Halloween Aunt Tilley figgers she?ll go to the community Halloween party dressed as a space man.

She puts that silver spray in her hair and paints on long silver eyelashes and puts silver stuff on her face and silver stockings and shoes and then she wraps herself in tinfoil.

She comes into the community hall like that and the secretary of the Ag society says, ?Oh, my Aunt Tilley don?t you look grand. What is your costume supposed to represent??

O Blue is right there and he yells so everybody can hear, ?Can?t you tell leftovers when ya see ?em??

But, like I say, she gets him back too:

Blue has been going with a woman from down the road for years, but he?s always had an eye for Myrtle Swanson. Myrtle ain?t got no use for Blue. As a matter of fact she thinks Blue is in leagues with the devil.

But one time Blue comes running into the caf� where we were having coffee and he yells for everybody to hear, ?Myrtle Swanson says I have a body like a God!? And he starts to do all these bodybuilding poses.

I said, ?Which god??

Just like that, Aunt Tilley yells, ?Buddha!!!?        

So ya see, she ain?t not shrinking violet!

-----30-----

Aunt Tilley?s Social Climbing

Manipulated by Ol? Ugly

Aunt Tilley always wanted to be a socialite. One time her and my brother, Blue, was coming back from grocery shopping and they saw a big fancy, top of the line, BMW on the side of the road; flat tire; a woman standing beside it. Blue pulls over and says, ?Ma?m, I?ll change the tire for ya, but first I gotta get the meat and ice cream home and into the fridge. Come on!?

The woman gets in the half ton and they get back to the trailer where Blue and Aunt Tilley lives. While Aunt Tilley and Blue are hauling the groceries into the house she gets to looking around at the patio me and Blue and Aunt Tilley has built.

It is a nice quiet spot with flowers and trees that overlooks the river. When Aunt Tilley and Blue comes out the woman say, ?Oh, what a pretty patio. It would be perfect for a tea party.?

Aunt Tilley jumped right on that! She says, ?You bring your friends over on Friday and I?ll put on a tea party for you.? You bring your friends I?ll have a tea.?

They set up this tea and Aunt Tilley goes out and buys some fancy crackers and teas and she buys a couple of cans of salmon. She is gonna make some of them fancy finger sandwiches.

Come Friday morning Aunt Tilley opens the salmon and it don?t seem to smell quite right. ?I ain?t sure if this stuff is any good, Blue,? she says.

Blue says, ?Well, there?s one way to find out if it?s good. Just take a bit and put it in the dog?s food dish. If the dog eats it and he don?t die then it is alright.

Aunt Tilley does that and the dog eats it and is pretty happy about it so she makes her finger sandwiches.

Them women all come over and Aunt Tilley is networking with them and drinking her tea and serving them crackers and cheese and salmon sandwiches. She is happy as all get out. Then she decides to go into the kitchen to get some more tea. When she does, Blue, opens the back door and yells into the kitchen, ?The dog?s dead,? then he goes out and closes the door again.

?Oh, my gawd!? Aunt Tilley yells, ?The salmon must have salmonella,? and she phones Dr. Oran screaming about the salmon.

He says, ?It could be salmonella it could be poison. You?d best get them women down to the hospital right away!?

Aunt Tilley goes screaming onto the patio that the salmon was poison and they have to get to the hospital right away!

Them Lamborghinis, Porches, Cadillacs  are all headed for the hospital all being lead by Aunt Tilley in her 1949 Fargo halfton pickup.

The doctor checks them over,  pumps them all out and sends for their husbands to come and get ?em. Aunt Tilley is mortified; she is broken hearted as she walks into the kitchen of her trailer. When she walks in there is Blue leaning against the table. He says, And yah, know. The fella that run over the dog never even stopped!?

-----30-----

With stories like the one above I guess the lady who asked me not to mention her name or company is right when she says, ?It is a wonder your brother is still alive.?

Just a couple of notes:

Leduc, AB is having the Ol? Ugly?s Comedy Show there for a fundraiser for the Telford House at the Telford House, November 8^th, 2008 and not the 15^th as originally planned.

And Masterfeeds is having the Ol? Ugly?s Comedy Show in Stettler , Alberta on November 25^th and 26^th for its Customer Appreciation Luncheons.

The Ol? Ugly?s Comedy Show is also booked for November 22^nd and 29^th for private functions in Lethbridge , Alberta and Saskatoon , Saskatchewan .